If you really knew me

If you really knew me you'd know im terrified of standing up in front of people, but if i dont i regret not being able to speak my mind.

If you really knew me you'd know i dont believe in love but i still end up falling for any person that gives me the slightest bit of attention. . . maybe that's why i dont believe in love.

If you really knew me you'd know i bite my nails when i get stressed or anxious, which is everyday. . . all day.

If you really knew me you'd know im a mom and im scared im not doing everything right or that she will grow up to me just like me or her dad.

If you really knew me you'd know that i like everybody unless your mean to other people or especially animals.

If you really knew me you'd know im Vegetarian.

If you really knew me you'd know i hate being super girly but i love doing hair and makeup.

If you really knew me you'd know i would give up almost anything to be able to write amazing every time and that i wish i could drop everything and just write all my life.

If you really knew me you'd know that i i could i would marry Anis Mojgani even though i can pronounce his name right once every 100 times i say it.

If you really knew me you'd know that i have depression but i dont believe in taking prescription drugs, i think they mess us up more then we already are.

If you really knew me you'd know that im pretty sure im in love with this guy who will never love me back.

If you really knew me you'd know that i love being alone but at the same time im scared to be alone.

If you really knew me you'd know that i hate war and every president we have had recently.

If you really knew me you'd know im horrified of ghosts, being possessed, spiders, heights, guns, driving without a seat belt, and the list goes on.

If you really knew me you'd know im really self conscious and i hate my teeth.

If you really knew me you'd know i get teary eyed when ever i see llamas.

If you really knew me you'd know that cats are my favorite and you would know that i talk to my cat July like he's human and that would jump in front of a car for him.

If you really knew me you'd know if you hurt cats i hurt you.

Why is this picture so great?

Helter Skelter

This is based of the Charles Manson killings, the murder of Sharon Tate and 4 others in her home in Hollywood in 1969. I did change the story a bit so this is not exactly what happened. (keep that in mind)

There are screams, begging.
"Im 8 months pregnant! Please! Please!"
It's not to windy but somehow it maneges to sting my body. My hands; blood stained, blood of innocent people.
We were told by him to spill as much blood as we could, not caring whose it was. He had a message to send; a prophesy. He believed there was to be a war and that we needed to prepare ourselves. We were a family now.
I was to listen for noises and signal if someone was coming. All i could hear was screaming, i could here Emily telling them to get to the ground.
"You are all gonna die."
Someone asked "What are you doing here?"
He spoke. "I am the Devil and i am here to do the Devils work."
The way Jon spoke was so cold, so heartless.
A girl in a white night gown runs out of the house screaming, Emily after her. She throws her to the ground and stabbs her 15 times. Emily stands up, smiles at me and walks back into the house. I had to do something about this, i didnt know why i was here in the first place. To please him? Our leader? I walk into the house ready to do whatever i could to stop them.
I had thought he was exactly what i needed in my life until this night. The hate in his eyes had been so powerful so unrecognizable, I didnt know Derrick anymore.
Derrick was our leader, our saviour. It was as Jesus had finally come down and chosen us as his family, we weren't lost anymore we had a place. A family, that so many of us had been searching for. We listened to him preach of a war between races; Helter Skelter. The blacks were going to turn on the whites and take over, i mean it was their turn wasn't it?
When Derrick played guitar we would all gather around the fire doing any drug we could get our hand on and listen as he sang, when he strummed it was godly when he sang there were no words to explain how beautiful it was. He made everyone feel welcome he made you feel wanted. Preaching free love and peace. Showing us how beautiful the world can be without society telling us what to do. We were free. . .
At least that's what we thought.


Will she be able to stop them?
Will she be able to save herself for this "Leader"?
How will she stop this massacre?

I LOST MY WRITING JOURNAL.

SORRY EVERYONE. .

THE WORLD IS NOW GOING TO END.

AT LEAST THIS TREE IS BEAUTIFUL. . .

Little man

"Dear -----. I am speaking to you. I am the little man sitting in your head telling you what to say, what to do...Who to be."

This man who is sitting in my head told a story last Friday about how the snow is nothing but rain... but frozen to create something more beautiful then before.

I asked this little man
"what was the point of this story?"

He replied
"The point is, that you are beautiful, but with hard work you can become something more beautiful. That with hard work you can create something so simple but meaning so much."

I laughed, replying "Im sorry."
The only reason why this little man was sitting in my head was because i forgot to take my little blue pill this morning.

Hurry Fast.
From day to day we hurry too fast, goals get left behind.
She paid for her in and out, that he couldn't keep up with.
She arrived, slammed the door and he stood there empty handed with a smile, went back to pick up her waiting heart attack.

I tried

I tried being like you today.
But its hard striving to be something so low and beastly.
Going through life trying everything you can to be better then everybody else.
Falling flat on your face every time. How do you do it?
Knowing that you will never live up the the standards of "love".
I tried feeling how you feel today.
But it's impossible to kneel on the ground for years just praying that one day someone might pick you up and take you home.
Because i know the sound of someone you love greatly, hanging up the phone. All you hear is that terrifying beeping.
I tired being something im not.
I felt lost, more lost then i already was.
I wanted to be just like "you"
I just couldnt handle the bruising.
I couldent handle being lost with you two.
Being lost in the eyes of regret and pain.
Trying so hard to live up to "love" and "faith"
When all you had to do was believe in him.
I dialed 911 today and asked if God was there.
The operator got upset and told me this was emergencies only.
Do any of you know Gods number? Or how to get a hold of him?
Because I tried, its imposable.
I tired being like you today.
Falling over my own feet, taking small steps just to keep myself off the ground.
I tried being like you today.
Creating the world and man in 7 days. Or was it six?
Either way it seems unbelievable
I tried being like them today.
Judging the world based on a small book filled with tissue paper and the tears of sinners.
I tried holding myself back today.
I told myself over and over again not to let myself fall for you.
I want to get lost in your eyes forever, not having to worry about anything or anyone.
I want to get lost inside your heart, your veins and your soul.
I want to get lost in your lungs. Taking away your oxygen. Taking away your life.
Because that is just how much I love you, and everything you do.

The worry list

I worry that I wont ever get my heart broken.

I worry that i will get my heart broken.


I worry that my hair isn't as good as i think it is.


I worry that I will forget what it feels like to be happy.


I worry i wont be able to remember sadness.


I want to remember the night drives we shared with our emotions behind us and the old cold parks.


I worry your gonna be gone, that when i need you i cant get you back.


This list is what kills me.


I worry that we cant talk like we used to and that when i see you, you wont smile.


I worry that I will be the reason for your death, that i will be the reason for your scares.

I remember seeing you and wanting to make you mine. The day you held my hand was the day we first hung out.


The day she was born, i thought it was so perfect that nothing could fail.


We lost everything that was.


I worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. That i just need help.


I worry that I'm crazy. That I'm actually medically insane.


I worry that i cant feel love, that i cant feel sympathy nor empathy.


I don't want to be the way i am. I dont want to keep destroying hearts.


I want to run into you so bad. Where ever i go i hope to see you.


I just want to tell you about my life and how I'm feeling.


I worry that my makeup will smear or that it wont stay on.


I worry that i walk funny and that people are staring at my ass.


I worry. I worry nonstop.


But most of all i worry that what i did was a mistake, that i will never be the same.


I worry that when i see you i will beg you to take me back.


That when you take me back everything will fall apart again.


I want to lay with you so bad. Just to wake up and see that your there again.


I dont want her to grow up and be ruined, to be so confused about what love is. Just because i am.


When your so broken hope is gone and when your heart falls to your stomach and you fall to the ground and cry.


I worry that i will be broken forever, and no matter how hard i try i wont be happy.


I worry that i wont be able to write how i want to write.


I worry that i am forgetting something on this list, or that I'm forgetting happiness that we shared.

DAMN FOOLS

Listen to my voice because this will be the last you ever hear.
I'm done with this fucking world and your fucking lies.
I swore i would never hate. You swore you'd never lie.
We meant so much and it was done so fast.
We both moved on, but when you did i couldn't handle it.
I cant have you be happier with someone other then me.
If everything you said was true i will take back everything i say.
But its all a lie. So I'm not sorry.
Life has no meaning without death.
Life has no meaning without love.
So why is it that we fear it?
Because it is all built on lies. We will never be the same again.
This was all for our entertainment. We will never love again.
We think we know what love is, but no body has any fucking idea.
I will let this bleed one last time. My heart will never be the same.
I'm okay with that. I never wanted this to be the same. I never want to feel again...
The last of the world smile, the last of the world have no idea whats coming.
We will all die. We will all die.
The world is built on lies and life is built on false hope. One day we will all realize we wasted it trying to find something that never existed.
We are all fake. Smiling at one another, acting like we care.
We are all damn fools. We fake our way through life to be liked, to find love.
I never wanted to care so much about someone the way i cared for you.
How can we love if we don't hate?
The strongest part about us are the lies we make. The lies we make to keep the world happy.
We are all going to hell. Might as well give up hope now because there was never such thing.

Just let go

Breath in Slowly and listen softly because i gave up.

I'm letting go.

Iv waited to long to feel your touch.

I'm not this tough.

You said we'd last "Forever".

But you left me all alone.

This bed is so cold.

I'm longing for your touch.


I'm afraid of letting go of you

I'm afraid of seeing you

So close your eyes and hear me say "I'm letting go" and washing this away.

Not a trace of you and I'm okay.

How many times can the world smile while i cry?

The people fade into the back round.

I'm so cold hear without you.

I just want this to end.

When this all dies, i will feel you with me.

The night whispers sad lines in my ear.

I want you with me.

I'm afraid of letting go of you

I'm afraid of seeing you

So close your eyes and hear me say "I'm letting go" and washing this away.

Not a trace of you and I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I hold your drawing in my hand.

My body shivers.

You left me abandoned.

I'm not this tough. I'm not this strong.

Listen to my voice.

I will see you again.

The gates will open up and ill hold your hand.

Till i fall asleep ill let you go.

Not a trace of you and I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Favorite Movie

Requiem for a Dream is in my opinion one of the best movies ever made. The music in it is amazing it is done be Clint Mansell. You can just feel the emotion of the actors and the music sucks you into the movie. There is a scene in the movie where they are getting high but its like flashes of there eyes to the drug to a scene and the music just makes it amazing. The movie is more of an art to me rather then a movie, i think its just beautiful.

In the beginning it shows how they have a pretty decent life and are making good money but towards the end everything kind of goes to hell. But it is a great movie. Definitely a must see.

Love?

No one will care about you the way I do.

Love.

Love.

Love.

Is such a frightening word. Is such a...loveless word.

Whatever that means.

Your so great.

I would change for you.

I will do everything for you.

Whatever that means.

\

Jealousy

The poem "Funeral Blues" By W.H. Auden

This poem makes me so jealous, because when i read it i can completely feel the writers emotion. This poem can also mean so many different things to different readers. I feel like i can relate this poem, to losing my dog(how? i don't know, but i just can). I want to be able to write with so much emotion and yet have the poem/writing be so simple. I love the line "I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong." It's so good. I can feel their pain.

Words of the dead

Cheeks. longing red cheeks. lost. warm.

Blushing. But nothing sworn.

Smiling. But so lost. Again.

The feeling of the end.

Eyes. Emptiness. Nothing left.

He swore this wasn't theft.

Hands. Beautiful hands. Holding tightly.

"Can I have you?" She asked politely.

"No." He said.

Cheeks. Cold cheeks.

"It was always dead." The world smiled.

This burning. Oh, this burning. Is so wild. So wild.

Smiling. But meaning nothing.

The world was always bluffing.

Eyes. Glossy. cold. Heartless.

Our words? Worthless.

"Lets leave this." her voice shook.

"No" He said, letting go.

Her sanity? Was all it took.

Night lights and broken hearts

Goodnight. I love you.

I care about you. Never forget that.

I want you. Never forget that.

A lonely street lamp lights up the room. The phone vibrates, I smile because its you.

This forgotten that keeps dancing in my mind makes me smile.

I want to touch the forgotten, to taste the forgotten. But I hold myself back, I know I will never forget if I do. This forgotten is not forgotten by me.

It never will be.

You are the night light to my heart. This broken heart. This empty heart. This heart that will never love.

This forgotten is you.

This forgotten is broken.

This forgotten is longing for someone to hold.

I just want to hold this forgotten and tell it I will never let go. Never forget.

I want nothing but the FORGOTTEN&ME.

Lust for love

They tell me to go for it and just let go, that I have so little to loose.

I just want to follow these creature that grin...that reek of lust.

I'm sitting here thinking of you when I should be thinking of him.

It's you that keeps popping in my head. I just want to drink that sleeping medicine, so that I can fall asleep and dream of you again.

There laughing at me because they know I want to be led to lust, to be led to your bed.

There I go biting my nails again. My nails scream at me because they are tired of bleeding. My bones ache because they are tired of being confused. My head pounds because its tired of being abused...with thoughts of you.

I'm gonna lay here and hope I fall asleep.

I gonna lay here and hope you get out of my head. But that's where I need you to stay, is in my head. I don't want to stop thinking about you but I have to...

This isn't about love. This is about lust, desire, disgust.

You tell me you love me, but you have no idea what love is. Neither do I.

I want to hold you for one night and then go back to the real world, but I know that will not be

enough. Unsatisfied.

The creatures come back, they whisper things of forgiveness.

They tempt me with laughs... then yours comes to mind.

This nothingness is back and these creatures just keep grinning.

This Lust. lust. LUST. will never leave.

As long as I am not holding you, I will never be satisfied.

DEATH

There has been so much death lately and some how I still don't seem to find inspiration. My mind is blank. I write and I'm not satisfied. I need to find inspiration before its to late. Before death comes for my writing.

Untitled feelings

Days like these are what remind me of you.

The sun is down and I think about you.

You mean the world. And more.

The rain hits the ground and I see you dancing.

We laugh, you light up the sky.

The rain hits the ground and your in my mind.

"Whats new?"

Life means so little, but with you means so much.

The night fades...You mean the world.

You mean everything.

You are everything.

The lightning flashes, your shadow appears.

We walk hand in hand the rain pours down.

We don't care if were wet, because we have each other.

The day is dark and gloomy, you appear.

"Can you just stay away from me!"

Your gone, somehow you still have control.

I think about you, it makes me sick.

"Stay out of my head!"

You kiss me it means so much.

You tell me you love me it means so little.

Outside the rain plays music, I hear your voice.

"You really meant the world you know."

You didn't see it...you never will.

I love your sweet scent of cigarettes.

I love how you gave me butterflies.

Now it's nothing but moths, empty moths...

the butterflies died you know.

Fear

The only thing we should fear is ourselves.

We are the monsters we create.

The dark scares us because we create whats in it.

I fear the dark because I fear myself. I fear what I might do.

The mind creates so much darkness, and somehow they say we can control it. Yet we try.

And we fail.

Don't forget to breath...its only your mind.

Shit like that is what turns us insane...so insane, you fear reality.

The shadows are only your sins.

Honestly

Lets be honest.
We all have our problems.

The days of wanting to bleed yourself dry...

We are all stale and old. We are all used, we are all the users.

Heroine.

It's alright your not alone. Am i? Are you?

I bite my nails til they are raw.

I never relax, not even for one day.

How is it that love makes us sick, i mean we are all love sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.
Problems define who we are.

They are the want to be different. Wait. The need to be different...?

Okay, lets start over.

The problem is love. The problem is fear.

I think it's time that we all be honest.

I look up to the dark and down on the light. It's the light that makes us lie.

I hate liars...I guess that makes me a liar. I spend the most of my days with liars.

I love the Devil and hate God. Wanna know why?

I can't tell you that. I would have to kill you.

Let's see...

I'm afraid of love, to be in love. The fall.

How can I love the Devil if i don't believe in him.

I admire him for the power he has. He brings fear. Hate. Envy. Everything that makes us who we are.

Humans are all cruel, we all hurt someone. Something. In some way.

I believe the devil created love. That's just how cruel it really is.

Wait.

Before I go on......

I do not worship the devil. Pause. Nor do I worship A God.

Death is a joke and life is the punch line.

I will end with this. We should all stop and think. What are we really here for. Do we really have time to lie to ourselves?

Fear

Just remember 'bout me

I just want to be friends like we used to,

to feel what we used to...to love like we used to.

The days go by, not one of those days i don't remember.

I remember everything we felt everything we use to be.

I just want you to be able to see.

You and me.

Another night with someone but you,

Days go by with out a blur.

with you days lasted for minutes.

I wanna lay with you, i just want you so bad.

Can you please just remember about me?

I tell myself that you care and you want me too,

I tell my self you love me

Making myself forget about all that i see

I saw you at the store and you walked right by

I wanted to hug you and just say hi.

You tell me you love me an want me forever.

Your smile blows the world away and helps the needy

your perfect, so flawless its not right

You hold my hand and then we kiss,

I wake to see its not you, this dream is not fair

lets make one thing clear.

I'm not stopping til i make you mine

I'm not stopping til you really care.

Monster

I am a monster but my needs to be human are just as strong as yours, I try everyday to be the same as you, to live a life like you; a life I once had. I may break from thirst but who are you to blame? I'm not perfect and I feel regret, sometimes its just to hard to reject. The smell, the taste, the sound of blood flowing through your neck, your whole body is just glowing. I never meant to thrive off hurting you, but I also have to survive. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you, all I wanted was to just kiss you, but after all I'm still an animal, instincts control to much, I guess I am nearly cannibal. Thirst is overpowering, weakening, all I think about is destroying, but yet in such a graceful way. I am a monster but I live just like you and I love just like you, I once was human but I never knew thirst til I met you.

I'm thinking about you...

I'm thinking about you like coffee thinks about creamer, like death thinks about life, like the murderer thinks about the knife...I'm thinking about you all day and all night, i'm thinking about you like left thinks about right, like porn thinks about sex, like 5 thinks about 6...I'm thinking about you like cannibals think about humans, like animals think about survival, like flatirons think about hair, i'm thinking about you and hoping you care...i'm thinking about you like pens think about paper, like the raper thinks about the next victim, like the day thinks about the night, like the night thinks about the stars...I'm thinking about you like you think of her...I'm thinking about you like macorroni thinks about cheese, like the ships thinks about the seas, like addicts think about drugs or food or like addicts think about love...like i think about love...I'm thinking about you more then i think about anything, more then vampires think about blood, more then pigs think about mud...I'm thinking about you like warewolfs think about the next fullmoon, like lips think about kissings...I'm thinking about you and only you, i'm thinking about you and wondering what i'm missing and what shes seeing.

Icecream!

Who loves ice-cream? I Do!

I love it in the morning

I love it in the evening

I love it when the sun is high

I love it when the sun is low

Who loves ice-cream?

We all do duh.

What is love? Who knows. I mean does anybody really know? We know what we think it feels like, what we act like...we know the feeling of feeling like you cant survive with out that certain something. But is that what love really is, or is that just what we think it is?