If you really knew me

If you really knew me you'd know im terrified of standing up in front of people, but if i dont i regret not being able to speak my mind.

If you really knew me you'd know i dont believe in love but i still end up falling for any person that gives me the slightest bit of attention. . . maybe that's why i dont believe in love.

If you really knew me you'd know i bite my nails when i get stressed or anxious, which is everyday. . . all day.

If you really knew me you'd know im a mom and im scared im not doing everything right or that she will grow up to me just like me or her dad.

If you really knew me you'd know that i like everybody unless your mean to other people or especially animals.

If you really knew me you'd know im Vegetarian.

If you really knew me you'd know i hate being super girly but i love doing hair and makeup.

If you really knew me you'd know i would give up almost anything to be able to write amazing every time and that i wish i could drop everything and just write all my life.

If you really knew me you'd know that i i could i would marry Anis Mojgani even though i can pronounce his name right once every 100 times i say it.

If you really knew me you'd know that i have depression but i dont believe in taking prescription drugs, i think they mess us up more then we already are.

If you really knew me you'd know that im pretty sure im in love with this guy who will never love me back.

If you really knew me you'd know that i love being alone but at the same time im scared to be alone.

If you really knew me you'd know that i hate war and every president we have had recently.

If you really knew me you'd know im horrified of ghosts, being possessed, spiders, heights, guns, driving without a seat belt, and the list goes on.

If you really knew me you'd know im really self conscious and i hate my teeth.

If you really knew me you'd know i get teary eyed when ever i see llamas.

If you really knew me you'd know that cats are my favorite and you would know that i talk to my cat July like he's human and that would jump in front of a car for him.

If you really knew me you'd know if you hurt cats i hurt you.

Why is this picture so great?

Helter Skelter

This is based of the Charles Manson killings, the murder of Sharon Tate and 4 others in her home in Hollywood in 1969. I did change the story a bit so this is not exactly what happened. (keep that in mind)

There are screams, begging.
"Im 8 months pregnant! Please! Please!"
It's not to windy but somehow it maneges to sting my body. My hands; blood stained, blood of innocent people.
We were told by him to spill as much blood as we could, not caring whose it was. He had a message to send; a prophesy. He believed there was to be a war and that we needed to prepare ourselves. We were a family now.
I was to listen for noises and signal if someone was coming. All i could hear was screaming, i could here Emily telling them to get to the ground.
"You are all gonna die."
Someone asked "What are you doing here?"
He spoke. "I am the Devil and i am here to do the Devils work."
The way Jon spoke was so cold, so heartless.
A girl in a white night gown runs out of the house screaming, Emily after her. She throws her to the ground and stabbs her 15 times. Emily stands up, smiles at me and walks back into the house. I had to do something about this, i didnt know why i was here in the first place. To please him? Our leader? I walk into the house ready to do whatever i could to stop them.
I had thought he was exactly what i needed in my life until this night. The hate in his eyes had been so powerful so unrecognizable, I didnt know Derrick anymore.
Derrick was our leader, our saviour. It was as Jesus had finally come down and chosen us as his family, we weren't lost anymore we had a place. A family, that so many of us had been searching for. We listened to him preach of a war between races; Helter Skelter. The blacks were going to turn on the whites and take over, i mean it was their turn wasn't it?
When Derrick played guitar we would all gather around the fire doing any drug we could get our hand on and listen as he sang, when he strummed it was godly when he sang there were no words to explain how beautiful it was. He made everyone feel welcome he made you feel wanted. Preaching free love and peace. Showing us how beautiful the world can be without society telling us what to do. We were free. . .
At least that's what we thought.


Will she be able to stop them?
Will she be able to save herself for this "Leader"?
How will she stop this massacre?

I LOST MY WRITING JOURNAL.

SORRY EVERYONE. .

THE WORLD IS NOW GOING TO END.

AT LEAST THIS TREE IS BEAUTIFUL. . .

Little man

"Dear -----. I am speaking to you. I am the little man sitting in your head telling you what to say, what to do...Who to be."

This man who is sitting in my head told a story last Friday about how the snow is nothing but rain... but frozen to create something more beautiful then before.

I asked this little man
"what was the point of this story?"

He replied
"The point is, that you are beautiful, but with hard work you can become something more beautiful. That with hard work you can create something so simple but meaning so much."

I laughed, replying "Im sorry."
The only reason why this little man was sitting in my head was because i forgot to take my little blue pill this morning.

Hurry Fast.
From day to day we hurry too fast, goals get left behind.
She paid for her in and out, that he couldn't keep up with.
She arrived, slammed the door and he stood there empty handed with a smile, went back to pick up her waiting heart attack.

I tried

I tried being like you today.
But its hard striving to be something so low and beastly.
Going through life trying everything you can to be better then everybody else.
Falling flat on your face every time. How do you do it?
Knowing that you will never live up the the standards of "love".
I tried feeling how you feel today.
But it's impossible to kneel on the ground for years just praying that one day someone might pick you up and take you home.
Because i know the sound of someone you love greatly, hanging up the phone. All you hear is that terrifying beeping.
I tired being something im not.
I felt lost, more lost then i already was.
I wanted to be just like "you"
I just couldnt handle the bruising.
I couldent handle being lost with you two.
Being lost in the eyes of regret and pain.
Trying so hard to live up to "love" and "faith"
When all you had to do was believe in him.
I dialed 911 today and asked if God was there.
The operator got upset and told me this was emergencies only.
Do any of you know Gods number? Or how to get a hold of him?
Because I tried, its imposable.
I tired being like you today.
Falling over my own feet, taking small steps just to keep myself off the ground.
I tried being like you today.
Creating the world and man in 7 days. Or was it six?
Either way it seems unbelievable
I tried being like them today.
Judging the world based on a small book filled with tissue paper and the tears of sinners.
I tried holding myself back today.
I told myself over and over again not to let myself fall for you.
I want to get lost in your eyes forever, not having to worry about anything or anyone.
I want to get lost inside your heart, your veins and your soul.
I want to get lost in your lungs. Taking away your oxygen. Taking away your life.
Because that is just how much I love you, and everything you do.